Sorry for the long silence. Times have been very busy here. The thing I have been afraid to pray for has come to pass. My son's pee wee football team, the team my husband helps coach, is going to the Superbowl. Tomorrow.
This should be a time of utter joy for us. They have been doing this together for 7 years. As close as they have gotten (several times, I might add), this is the first time they made it all the way "to the show" as my husband likes to say.
Now comes the confession -- my struggle with God. My BIG struggle with God. I have held my breath over football many times over the years. You sports fans understand it all: the agony and ecstasy of victory and defeat. But for me it's something deeper. I don't trust God with this. I believe He is setting us up at the brink of happiness just to pull the rug on us at the last minute. ("You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat..." ) I am completely aware how awful my attitude is, but I have been unable to muster up hope for so long now, all that is left is cynicism. ...But you're going to the Superbowl,
you might be thinking -- where is the disappointment in that? Last weekend when we won that final playoff game, I was almost there. I could almost enter into the promised land. But still that pesky voice: "there's a whole week before the big event, " I heard my self warn me, " a lot can happen between now and then". In other words, don't count those chickens before they hatch.
And here it is. The Superbowl is tomorrow. And my son is sick. Real sick. He's been sick since Wednesday. He actually dragged his sick self to practice with my husband the coach, so he can stand on the sidelines and learn the plays. Just in case he's well enough to play.
I have been doing a little fist shaking toward heaven. "How could you do this to him AGAIN?" One year it was chicken pox -- he played his heart out to the playoffs and couldn't finish the season due to chicken pox. It broke his heart. ( And moms know what that means--- it broke mine to see it.) And now the Superbowl. Is there a lesson in this? Please, let me know, because I really can't see it.
I have thought in terms of Moses-- leading the people to the promised land, but never going in. I heard a miraculous radio message yesterday about Moses learning that "nothing is impossible with God", so with whatever faith I could muster I prayed over my son with miracles in mind. "Lord, nothing is impossible with You. Heal my child so he can realize his dream." Then I think, if nothing is impossible with you, then why are you doing this to him?
I am ashamed of my attitude. Really. I wish I could just embrace the joy of the reality: We're going to the Superbowl! This is in and of itself miraculous. I know that it was all God. He answered our prayers -- because nothing is impossible with God.. My son knows this and does not falter (despite his illness), my husband knows this and does not falter. But me, I expect the worst and usually get it.
So here is my plea -- to anyone who might read this -- my message in a bottle. I know that there are people who are sick and dying, cold and hungry, hurting and alone. I am none of these things. I am blessed beyond my ability to understand. Yet I am stuck -- jammed in this negative, cynical place -- unable to push past it. I feel like I am stealing something to ask for more blessing. As if I'd better save the prayers for the really important stuff in life. I don't want to see God through these glasses any more. He's distorted. I think, really, I hope, that I could enter into the promised land, if only I could get through here.
Please pray for me, a sinner. Please pray for my son and husband. They're going to the Superbowl. This is the sum total of their dreams at this place and time. I am the paralytic right now, and I need you to help me pray that they will play to win. That my son will be well, and able to play his best. That the team will come to play. That each boy would be well and able to play his best. That they would all see God's glory in this miracle. And I pray that this would only be the beginning of the dreams that will come true.