I appreciate the comments. Thanks. I inherently know that "the church" is in the relationships--and there are those that remain. I know God is in this journey--and I am still searching. I must say, I am comforted by this odd communion of voices here within the blogs. But where am I going? I don't know.

I've been giving a lot of thought to the handicapped man in my dream, and how different the man I met was from the man I expected. Although I can't entirely get my head around this, I know it is connected to all we have been discussing. I promise I will work on the linking thing one of these days---but until I get the technology straight, you'll need to review the last paragraph of my last entry for the dream details.

In my dream, I am feeding homeless people. Although I don't really know this to be true, I conclude that these people are destitute. Needy. Why else would they be coming for food? Even as I write this I see and know the error of my thinking -- yet we all do this. We make judgments based on what we believe and expect. I am feeding the homeless with the expectation and belief that I have something to give them that they need -- I am in the power position here. They couldn't possibly have something for me. I am the feeder here, they are the fed.

God speaks to me in my dream as He does to Peter at the end of John. "Do you love me?" "Yes" "Then feed my little lambs." It is only after I answer 3 times that the handicapped man appears. He comes for food, I pray for him and he is healed. As I said in the last entry, I've watched for this guy. I expected him to be the most destitute of the group. After all, he is homeless (I conclude this) and handicapped. Again I conclude that he comes to receive what I have to give. The needy guy. The needy handicapped guy.

In the course of 16 years I no longer feed the homeless people at the location of my dream. I don't actually feed them anywhere, if you want to know the truth. I do however live in the vicinity of that dream. Amazing, really, since I never really intended to stay here. I actually own a home here. My children are locals. The people who led the food ministry are long gone. They have relocated; moved on. I remain. I have noticed the occasional homeless person here, and I wonder about my dream. They are regulars, too. I offered my help to a couple of them over time. Some received my occasional offers politely, others rejected my offers of help. Every time I see them, I am reminded of my dream. If I am looking, I can find them every day. Not one of them is handicapped, not on the outside where you can see.

I have thought on more than one occasion that if I could figure out this dream, I would be free to move on. I have prayed for God to help me figure it out, do what He wants me to do and let me go. But the days have turned to years and moving on would be really complicated. My husband and kids don't want to go. Almost every person I have connected with in the church, however, has moved away. We actually make jokes about this. I have said on more than one occasion, "of course God is telling you to move -- I am the ticket out of the hotel California" Florida, Idaho, Colorado, New York, Oregon -- They eventually all move on. On their way to the place God has for them. Transients. Pilgrims.

The man I met last month completely blindsided me. He was not remotely what I expected, even though he had the exact handicap of my dream. He is a remarkable young man. An inspiration. When I first had my dream 16 years ago he was only a child. Today he is one of my son's teachers. Actually connected to me this way. Feeding my little lamb. He is not remotely destitute. In fact, I didn't even consider him handicapped at first. He has so completely adapted to his incomplete body that he is more accomplished than most people I know. A human marvel.

So here I am. An unexpected turn in the road. A revealing of my twisted thinking. In my dream I saw a broken man, and God fixed him. In life I met a man that looks broken, but is actually more whole than most of the people I know. "People look at the outside of the person, but the Lord looks at the heart." (back to my favorite verse again). God has already fixed him. Just differently than I'd expect. And He didn't need me to do it. The man looks imperfect, but in his weakness he is made strong.

I think there is a church analogy here. In fact, it connects to everything I've been thinking of lately: our inability to interpret God's word without applying our mottled filters, incredible strength coming out of incomprehensible difficulty (E's life story -- sorry about the link again -- October archive), the Body of Christ -- God's faithfulness to me -- I have no answers now, only more questions. My dream is still unresolved, and I know less about where I'm going every day. But I must say, no matter what anyone can conclude or interpret about that dream, no matter what may come, it is a miracle that I was in a location I have stood now an uncountable number of times in the course of 16 years, and for the first time stood there with this unique man. The man in my dream. This is a moment that will take my breath away every time I think of it. A parting of the waters.

My final thoughts on this are unclear. I am confused. I believe God could heal this man if He wanted, but to what end? This man glorifies God in his incompleteness. Are we like this man? Have we adapted to our handicaps so well that we function without entire sections of the Body? Is this such a bad thing? Those without eyes hear more than I can imagine. Would they trade if given a choice? Aren't we but a fraction of what we'll be in heaven? Are we all just homeless and handicapped after all?

Lord, all I can do is put my hope in you. Everything I know to be true could fail. But you would remain. You are the only secure reality. Maybe everything else is the stuff of dreams.