I have so many questions about church, and I am hoping that someone out there will answer. I really don't know who might be reading this, but then I wouldn't know where to begin to ask these questions anyway. So throwing the questions out like this seems a reasonable alternative to, say, not asking at all. Here goes:

It seems from the unique population that I have been reading on the blog sites that it is on many hearts to build a new church; A completely new, different, outside of the box church. It seems pretty consistent to say that the status quo is not really making anyone happy-- or at least I'm not seeing the blogs of very many happy church-goers. (I do see some, by the way.)

I should tell you that my family is currently "without church", in the sense that the church we had been attending closed down -- merged, actually, with another similar church. We hadn't really been all that happy in the old church, but we felt loyal to the congregation. Like any family, we figured there would be an ebb and flow to the love affair we had with this church. Our kids were pretty content, and so then were we. If I were to be specific about my personal place in the church, I would say I was burnt out. I was ready to be an observer for a while (a receiver, maybe) instead of a participant. This transition didn't really happen for me before the church closed. It had happened in a big way for my husband who had had just about enough of my absence from the family as a result of my duties at the church. He stopped going. He said if I wanted a full time job, to go back to work full time and at least provide a paycheck to the family for my efforts (I was working part time).

So, here we are. The church has closed. The new church didn't work for any of us (only my husband didn't try.) I have gone back to full time hours (providing the very needed paycheck, medical benefits, etc.) and actually do have way more time for my family than I did when I was volunteering at the "black hole" (as my spouse so lovingly declares.) My son (13) found not one but two great youth programs that he attends in our community (lots of big churches in my neck of the woods). We started attending a church really close to our house (not regularly -- but at least once a month). I do bible studies with my daughter (just 10) and morning prayer everyday with both kids. I listen to the radio preachers daily (not always my happiest times). I have meditated on what I loved about my childhood church and I started blogging. It ain't pretty -- but there you have it.

On the other hand, there is a huge difference between my "church" status and my "spiritual" status. I feel we have been so deliberate about our relationship with God -- (and each other) moreso without a church to call our own. Although I don't really feel like I want to live without one forever, I am not unhappy. I know if we ever find one, I won't be volunteering for anything too soon. And I also know that we intend to take our time in our quest.

As a result of this upheaval of sorts, I have been considering often what I personally value in a church, and then assessing what I have actually been getting. What have I been missing? The single most missed elements for me in church in my adult Christian life are the traditions, rituals and rites -- the structure provided by the more formal churches. What I missed in the formal church was the Living God, the Holy Spirit -- do you see the quandary? Birgit once said she missed the Liturgy. I do too, so much! Is it impossible to have both? If so, why? I feel like I have had to give up one thing to have the other -- and I don't want to do this. The majority of the many hours I spent at the church were spent building traditions that already exist somewhere else! If I spent just another 10 hours per week, maybe we could have outings for our pre-teens. Another 20, Vacation Bible School. Another 30, a Christmas Pageant. All because we wanted to reinvent the wheel our way. Why reinvent it? Why not breathe life into it? Has this already been tried? Is it impossible?

I really want to know your experiences. Remember, I am the eternal fly in the ointment. My childhood church was the only place I ever really felt loved. From the moment I was saved I was always aware that no matter how much God loves me, the Christian community couldn't accept me just as I am -- There would always be something unholy in me. Something unclean. I never felt that way in the formal church. Never. Everyone was welcome. Was this my unique little church? An unusual experience? Is the alienation I feel in the church a result of relocation? or is it the common experience in the church today? Am I reaching backward to something made beautiful by my happy memories?

My mother was a choir director. My tiny church had a pipe organ that played the most beautiful Bach in the hands of my dear friend "the organist" (every church had one)...I knew the harmonies of every hymn in the Episcopal Hymnal -- flash forward 20 years and my own dear son hearing "Silent Night" playing over the loud speaker in a mall looked up at me with 6 year old excitement and said "Listen, Mom! It's the Home Alone song!!" As funny as that is, it made me cry. I had failed to pass on the tradition, the history. I had thrown the baby out with the bath water. And now, I am hearing many people plan to do the same thing again. Dissatisfied with the way things are: Lets make a new one! Are you sure the old one is beyond repair?

I had a dream that may have nothing to do with any of this -- but then again it might. You choose: It is a recurring dream that I have pondered for 16 years. In it, I am feeding homeless people in a specific location (ironically close to where I live today). I hear the audible voice of God ask me "do you love me" (just like to Peter at the end of John) "yes Lord" "then feed my little lambs" 3 times He asks me, 3 times I answer. After the 3rd time, a man comes for food who has a very real and specific handicap. I pray for him and he is completely healed. I can't tell you how many times I had the dream. Since I first had this dream, I've married, had 2 children, bought a home, belonged to 3 churches, watched the first Gulf War, 9/11, life keeps powering on -- everything I did I looked at in the light of the dream. "Maybe if I would figure it out I could move on, " I'd say. Children's ministry, teaching certification, coaching, cub scouts -- "am I feeding the little lambs?" I ask. "is this what you mean?" I forget about the dream sometimes for months, and then something happens to remind me. Just recently (this month) I found myself at the very location of my dream (I'm there almost every day) and I didn't even consider the dream. Funny, I was there with a man baring the precise handicap of the dream. There was a time I looked for people with this ailment. I began to wonder if it meant something figurative. Then there I was, in the very place of the dream with someone who may well be the exact person of my 16 year old dream -- and I didn't notice. I didn't think of it. I came home that day and told my husband of my encounter with the man, and he stared at me in disbelief. I checked to see if I had food in my teeth. He said simply, "Did you feed him?".

At least I know God hasn't forgotten me.