Did you ever want something so badly that you couldn't bear to say it? Even to yourself? Even to God? You pray about it, but it's more like you wish it out loud with about a thousand conditions surrounding it --

" Oh Lord, I really, really want this thing to happen -- but if it's not your will I totally understand -- I mean, you're God and all. Maybe you don't want this for me and if not, well, that's okay...I know with your busy schedule it's hard to get to me...and you've done so much for me already -- did I remember to thank you for all that today?....I'm really okay with everything just the way it is, so please disregard this message if I'm asking for too much....In fact, I don't really need the thing I'm praying for, so forget it. I'll catch you later..."

Now, the big generic stuff I have no trouble praying: "Thank you for the roof over my head and the jobs and the good health, please protect my family in body, mind and spirit; cover us with your grace, help us to grow in you..." and I have no trouble with the really Really Big Things, "Heal my neighbor's cancer, heal my other neighbor's muscular dystrophy, bring peace to the Middle East, bring home all those marines we know (and the ones we don't know) safe and in one piece, protect the children" Of course, the Really Big Things are easier when they are for someone else.

The Really Little Things aren't so hard, either. I pray about the silliest things: Help me find a parking space, help me find my keys, help us get to school on time, help me find a great bargain on the sale rack, help me find a public bathroom, please let it be clean -- I know I feel a sense of victory when these prayers are fruitful. I certainly thank God for his answer. But I'm not completely bummed out if it doesn't go entirely my way -- so what if I have to walk a little further now and then? I don't have to challenge my faith much to pray for the Really Little Things.

Despite all of my chattering to God, I often don't give him things that are important to me -- in fact I talk myself out of these things. I convince myself that this stuff of life isn't that important to me---maybe because when it doesn't work out it's one less thing to blame God for (ouch). Maybe if I don't admit that I really wanted something, I won't be bummed out when I don't get it. (even just saying it makes me feel like the spoiled brat I am...) Maybe I fear the unknown (I read the "Monkey's Paw" -- I'm well acquainted with life's ironies. Would I trade what's in my hand for what's behind door number 2? No thanks. Too Scary. Been down a few dark allies in my life and I don't want to risk it...) Maybe I have no faith....

I know this "be careful what you pray for" mentality doesn't fit the character of God. I've been to the 'Father Loves You' conference -- I know the tunes ... but I do it all the same. It's hypocrisy, I know. It's ugly. (Blugh) But I can't seem to step through it. It is the consequence of my own sinfulness. Perhaps a consequence of my own unrealistic expectations: expectations about life, expectations of how God should answer my prayers, other peoples' prayers....I've come to accept that life is disappointing in subtle ways. And really, I was okay with this gray zone until now --- because now I see it in my children. Tarnished Faith.

Lord, I'm sorry I don't trust you. I have an ungrateful heart. I feel that my faith is tarnished. I want to believe that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I know that without you I can do nothing. Please help me to work through life's disappointments in a healthier way. They don't go away if I pretend they aren't there. I may have convinced myself that I don't mind -- but you know. And I suppose so does everyone else. I'm a big emu with my head in a hole. Thank you for loving me anyway. Now fix me. I want to come out.