Sunday, June 04, 2006

Lest you think there is nothing but heartache in this house, let me begin by saying this has been a glorious month of Proms, Soccer and Lacrosse Tournaments, sunny days, good surf, bike rides along the beach, barbeques and meals outside. Today we sailed out of San Diego Harbor on our friends' 32' sailboat. We anchored near a hidden cove and my children jumped from the bow to swim to shore. We lingered long enough to eat lunch and soak in some sun. The sun was out, but the wind was steady. It was, as several have been this month, a perfect day. In two short weeks, school will be out for summer. Life is good.

In the midst of this enchanted time, my mom's sister lost her short battle with cancer. She left us on June 1, and she was not ready to go. She was an extremely youthful 76 years young. She took incredible care of herself - healthy diet, annual doctor visits, daily excercise. She looked great, and hadn't seemed to age at all for at least 20 years. Out of absolutely nowhere, she suffered what we thought was a stroke. Further diagnosis indicated cancer in the liver, and in 6 weeks time from diagnosis - she is gone. Unlike the other family members who have left us this year, Ginny didn't want to go.

The very night before she died, I nearly posted a prayer request. I regret today that I didn't. I procrastinated, and now she's gone. Earlier that week she charged my cousin with the job of keeping her alive. "Don't let me die," she whispered in his ear. It broke his heart, and mine when I heard of it. That night I prayed for her to have peace, for God to meet her where she was at, to comfort her, to give her a glimse of heaven. I have a modicum of faith that God answered my prayer that night --perhaps Ginny saw the glimpse of heaven I had hoped for her. Perhaps this made it easier for her to go. She knows the answers to all of these questions now. I can only guess, and hope. I ask you to pray for my cousin, who today knows that he was unable to grant his dying mother's wish. Pray for him to find faith in all of this -- to see the very glimpse of heaven I had hoped for his mother. Pray for him to have peace, for God to meet him where he is at, to comfort him. Pray for him to come face to face with Jesus.

Today, as the wind filled the sails and the boat rose and fell in the manner of the sea, I felt an incredible peace -- the peace that passes all understanding. I allowed all of my senses to experience the moment - the wind, the sun, the undulation of the waves, the salty smell of the sea -- and I knew in my soul that this moment, that every moment, is a gift. I love this place, this planet earth. I love the smell of the ocean, the feeling of the sun on my skin, the sound of the voices of my children, my husband, people I love engaged in conversation. I know that no matter how many days I will have of this, it will not be enough. I will wish I had more. I try to etch it all into my soul. And as I record this moment, this peaceful moment, I can remember another moment long ago, when I am surrounded by the sounds of laughter and voices of those who have gone from this place on to the next. I can almost see myself, a tiny child, and hear the laughter of my cousins and I as we played under the watchful eyes of our young parents.

Perhaps that laughter still lives on the wind, echoing in the sails.


Blogger Corry said...

I'll remember your cousin in my prayers.

Enjoy those moments, if you can, they all are God's blessings:-)

God's Grace.

4:06 AM  
Blogger sbg said...

Beautiful, Kim. Thinking of you and your family as I hold a wriggling 6 month old in my lap. He's trying to pat the keys like Mommy.....

7:36 AM  
Blogger beth wacome keck said...

Well written reminder of everyday being a gift ...

you have such a way of taking us inside the story - and getting us lost in there ...
I share your heartache and wonder ...

10:03 AM  
Blogger Maryellen said...

this touched me in so many ways for so many reasons. Memories are such bittersweet things.

11:17 PM  
Blogger Patti Doughty said...

Kim, I'm so sorry for your loss and the burden your cousin must bear right now. But in the years to come, you'll both be comforted by memories. Someone's laugh from across the room or a smell on the wind will bring them back, more vividly than you could ever imagine.

Time is such a gift. It's a shame that we don't begin to understand that until so much has already been wasted.

About a year ago, at a Retreat, a speaker quoted the author of a book he had read about Heaven. He said that, when standing before the Lord and charged with his shortcomings, although forgiven, he was deeply struck by his waste of time, his lack of understanding the importance of living every moment for the Lord. The prevailing emotion he was left with was deep remorse for not having done more for Jesus.

It seems to me you're on the right track today - experiencing every emotion, appreciating every moment. Your memories will be rich and full and bring comfort at difficult times.

May the Lord bring healing to your heart and soothe those pains.

In Him,

6:08 PM  
Blogger The Curmudgeon's Rant said...

It's been a while since the last post. I pray all is well.

How are things?

11:27 PM  
Blogger Rulan said...

Hey there. How's it going? I see you still have me listed as "The Kid" tisk tisk
Hope all is well with you and your family.

Have a great week and God bless.

2:28 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Hi everyone. Thank you for your prayers and kind words. It has been a hard season for me for a variety of reasons. I know my troubles are nothing compared to many - and I am aware of my many blessings and am grateful. I feel a little ashamed by how overwhelmed I am these days, but life's losses have gotten me down.

Suebee, I wish I could meet your baby! I can't believe he's 6 months old already.

Corry, my daughter is leaving for Holland soon! She is so excited! (and I'm more than a little nervous!) I can't believe the time has come. Thanks for all your prayers.

Curmudgeon, I'm praying for your heart (an issue that certainly makes my struggles seem paltry by comparison). Thanks for checking in on me.

Beth and Maryellen, I know your lives have seen some deep struggles of your own -- I always appreciate hearing from you. You have both shown up in my prayers and dreams. I'm too busy to make anything of it all right now. Very curious, though...

Patti, I can't believe I haven't known you all my life -- if only you were my neighbor, I'd come by for coffee (or red wine). Thanks for your kind note and prayers.

Rulan, I'm fixing your link and catching up with the current century, although I have to admit I liked referencing you as 'the kid' -- I realize it's symbolic of all of my struggles right now -- Things are changing, life is out of control, my kids are growing up, the adults in my life are dying -- I don't want to let "the kid" go. I'm sure there are some pop psychologists that would have a field day with me....Thank you for your prayers -- thanks to all of you for those. God's blessing all around.

9:51 PM  
Blogger Rulan said...

Kim, the Lord loves you and your family. He knows how you are and where you are. May He bless you richly.

9:24 PM  

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