I've had a really hard time getting into the spirit of things this season. This is very odd for me -- I love Christmas! Yet, even so, I am so burnt out in so many areas of my life that I'm even jaded on Christmas. No home church, extended family in Iowa and NY, working full time, mild California weather -- I'm sort of 'mourning in lowly exile'. My halls have been decked for quite some time, but I have been relatively uninspired (especially compared to years gone by). Plus, I'm very emotional. Depressed even. Christmas songs are making me cry this year (!!) White Christmas -- a tear jerker. Silent Night -- pass the tissues. O holy Night -- forget about it!! What is going on!?

My daughter is all over the Christmas thing. She has her very own tree in her room (and her own collection of decorations...) It has been up since Thanksgiving. She sings Christmas songs out loud wherever she may roam. She has a collection of Santa hats that she wears to school and to her basketball practice. She has been the manic shopper and is diligently wrapping and bow tying -- we cannot keep up with her. She skips everywhere she goes. She bakes. (whose kid is this?) We can't help but be a little excited about Christmas with her around.

But mean teachers, school pressures, expensive groceries, too many work related deadlines -- you get the picture -- robbing the joy. The grinch is stealing my Christmas.

"where are you christmas? why can't i find you?
why have you gone away?
where is the laughter you used to bring me?
why can't I hear music play?
my world is changing - i'm rearranging
does that mean christmas changes, too?

"where are you christmas?
Do you remember the one you used to know?
I'm not the same one - see what the time's done
is that why you've let me go?
(faith hill)(from the Grinch soundtrack)

Shopping for Maria G finally pushed me into the spirit of giving. This actually came as a relief. The last day of school finally arrived (yesterday) so the kids are home for 2 weeks. (Whew!) My daughter's band recital was yesterday (more tears -- even Feliz Navidad did it to me, Pah-leez!) I volunteer in the class one day per week, and have become attached to certain kids. One gave me a little love note (called a "sparkle") and one gave me an ornament that he made -- more tears and the infusion of more Christmas spirit. (It's there -- it's just hiding...)

Now tonight, we lit 2 Hanukkah candles. We have a menorah that my dearest college friend gave us from her collection. Until her first child was born (3 years ago), she would spend part of Christmas with us. She would set up the menorah and say the prayers as my kids took turns lighting the candles. (Baruch ata adonai eloheinu...) Oddly, this is one of our most treasured Christmas traditions. It hit me today how appropriate our celebration of Hanukkah is -- a celebration of God's faithfulness. He kept the light burning even though there wasn't enough oil to make it possible. A miracle. When all hope was gone. This year that light is symbolic of my waning spirit. God is faithful to keep the fire burning, even though my well is dry.

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light: on those living in the land of the shadow of death, a light has dawned." Isa 9:2. A kindled flame. A light to keep the fire burning.

With earnest, I pray to you Lord: "o come, o come Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel ; who mourns in lowly exile here -- until the son of God appear"

Of course the next line of this song is telling: "Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel -- shall come to thee, o Israel"

So there it is, isn't it? The why of it all. Why we light the Hanukkah candles, why we put up the tree and sing the ancient songs and celebrate -- it's to rekindle. reconnect. remember.

Thank you Lord, that age to age you're still the same. Stand at the door in view of my enemies, that I would remember I'm armed and secured by your love. Rekindle my happy hopeful spirit. Help me to have Christmas all year long. Like I used to.