Well, I'm back in that weird place from which I began blogging. It's as if this solution that is my life has been jarred or mixed, and all the insoluble bits are spinning around, clouding my vision.

They will eventually sink to the bottom again, but they won't go away. I know that now.

I have that same sense of urgency -- so much to say, so little time to say it. The same anger, same frustrations. Same sense of futility. Same lack of focus. Where should I begin? What thoughts should I share?

I am realizing that grief accumulates (at least in me.) Little griefs collect like scars (or wrinkles..?) -- They mount up in the course of your life and although they seem to go away with time, they all reappear in a resurgence of pain. All the griefs. All the disappointments. All the pain. Like an old war wound. It flares up when you add another.

I've read that this is a dysfunction. I know about "inner healing". But I must say I don't think it applies. I think it's the scars that make us us. The marks of the refiner's fire.

I am also realizing how much of this is unresolved. Unfinished. Will it ever be finished, or is this "as good as it gets?" I cannot believe that people simply move on. People do not get over losses that easily. They go on. But they are changed. I know I am.

We got on with life this week. The Schedule has returned. There is comfort in that -- but at the second basketball game of the day it occurred to me that although life was going on as usual--the wheel was turning--I was changed. Disfigured. Quasimodo.

I am becoming the handicapped man of my dream, only I'm broken on the inside. The man I met was an inspiration-- incomplete body, complete man. He glorifies God in his brokenness. Will I?