I live in a place where there are a lot of big churches. Really big churches. Some have thousands of members. (I think Saddleback has over 10,000 now.) Quantity seems to be very important to people these days. The "decision makers" seem to be very focused on being big or getting bigger. The attendees seem to be very cognizant of how big their church of choice is. This seems to be an important measure of the validity of the place of worship. Those who are in small churches seem to be focused on getting bigger. There is an underlying attitude that "something must be wrong with us if we are a small congregation".

I have benefited personally from having access to so many big, giant churches. I have been able to attend HUGE events that people come from miles to experience (or just get to watch on TV.) and I must add that it has mostly all been good. Every one of these small cities of a church have a flavor and flair that is unique and useful to the community. I know a lot of people who are very happy in their church of choice. And I am happy for them. But I like a small intimate church. And every time I find one, the main focus of the church seems to be "how do we become bigger?". Why do we always think that bigger is better?

My childhood church was up the block from my Grandmother's house (in NY). It was a haven in the middle of a very big world. It was a place where we were replenished from our busy weeks and sent off with a full well from which we were able to drink until our journey brought us back again next week. It was very small. But oh how big it made us. When it needed paint, we painted it. When the lawn needed mowing, we mowed it. When it needed more space, we built it. Ourselves. We the people. The church. And it sheltered us, shared Christmas with us, watched the children grow (and knew each child by name) -- if those walls could talk .... I don't remember ever worrying about how big we were. I don't remember ever worrying about the imperfections. I don't ever remember feeling like that place wasn't entirely mine--as much as my home or my Grandma's home. And we never felt superior or inferior to neighboring churches -- we simply were. We assumed that they existed in the same way. Happily. A family.

I can't remember the last time I stepped into a church and felt replenished. I feel like every pastor I hear on the radio is beating people with their words. Their voices grate against my very soul. "You're not doing enough. God will come back tomorrow and everyone is going to hell (but us, the chosen church of God). Everyone is unclean. You are unclean. You're not spending enough hours. Church in the morning, church at night, church on Wednesday. Give more, do more, run harder. We're not big enough, the world is not good enough, your offering is not grand enough -- more, more, more, more, more! It's not enough that you are in church -- no. You need to be in MY church. MY church is the chosen church of God. MINE. We need to compete with the church up the block, and by God we need to WIN." Their words are crashing around inside my head. Instead of peace, I come away with anxiety.

I watch the mess that is the California recall election and the subsequent 115 candidates and see the church. Special Interest groups abounding, common ground impossible to attain-- "I don't necessarily want what you have --- I just don't want you to have it" -- It's like an impossible pack of dogs fighting over meat.

I know that there are a lot of very happy people extremely blessed by the ministries of the big churches. I am so glad they exist and I too, benefit from the programs they offer. My kids have access to the best Vacation Bible Schools and the Best Youth Group excursions. I can attend great bible studies. I don't want the Big Churches to go away or change. I just want those that are called to be something different to be that without shame. What is a body if all the parts competed to be the eye? (1 Corinthians 12:12-29)

"Lord I know that YOU are my hiding place. YOU are my haven. But I am so disgusted with the Church. The body of Christ. I know your body was beaten and hung on the Cross---is that where we are right now? It hurts to be a part of it. Resurrect us in your image, Lord. Give us new life. Forgive us. Heal us. And bless the church. The whole church. The whole body. Help us to live Phil 4:8-9 -- set my mind on that which is worthy of respect."