There are so many things I want to say these days. I actually have to stop to organize and prioritize my thoughts -- all battling to be first on the page. I even have this bizarre sense of urgency--as if time is short and I'd better hurry and get all my thoughts down before I am no longer able. Anxious. I don't like that very much.

Life frustrates me. A lot. To the point of distraction. My head is filled with protests regarding that which is not fair, not nice, not intelligent and not remotely what I want or wanted. Angry. All the time. I don't like that very much, either.

I can look back from where I am sitting today, and remember a happier, prettier, nicer me. Full of hope and a complete enthusiasm about life. So untethered. So happy to be alive. So much to live for. So eager to review the new days adventures. It was all good. I was once what you would call a "free spirit". I don't remember if I didn't care what people thought and did, or if I was simply too young and ignorant to notice. I was too busy enjoying life to care about the things that bog down the middle aged. Ah, youth. Wasted, as they say, on the young. But I don't really think I wasted it -- I just think I miss it. Depressed. Disillusioned. I really don't like that at all.

Blame. I suppose I could find a million things to blame it all on. People, places, circumstances, bad choices --- but the fact of the matter is that my life is quite nice. My choices, although not always inspired, weren't so bad. My blessings overflow. Good Health, great kids, nice home, plenty of food, great weather all the time, great extended familiy. I know what some of you are thinking: "This woman needs God" Well, I know that, thank you. In fact, I'm even adding Him to my "Blame Pie". "How come I don't have that 'Joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart' anymore?" I ask Him this everyday. I, in fact, don't get out of bed in the morning without calling on Him and making sure I feel His presence so I can face my day. No, I feel bad despite my faith. And this is what I hate the most.

I guess I expected eternal peace and happiness to go along with my committment to Christ. "The Peace that passes all understanding". I never really cared about the material stuff in life -- I just wanted to be happy. And happy is the thing that eludes me.

So now I blog. Maybe someone out there can relate to my own personal "valley of the shadow of death". Maybe you have something to say to me that will help the old happy me come back. And maybe my documentation of this journey may speak to someone else. I don't know. I just know I have to write it down.

My bible verse for this week's blog is Matthew 25:24-30. My question: "Lord, have I become the wicked servant? I'm so tired. Even my bones feel tired. I fear tomorrow. I disdain today. My sword is too heavy to pick up. I wait. Yet I know you are near me. I hear you breathing."